I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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