the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize