I wish I only lived at night.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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