how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
