does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
