just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Are my feet made of real feet?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize