Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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