I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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