I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
