You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
