Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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