Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
