A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Randomize
