so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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