some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Randomize
