I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
