remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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