I don't usually arrange sex via text message
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
