Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
