One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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