You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
