still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Found your dick twin last night
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
