i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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