I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
