He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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