I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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