She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
