I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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