one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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