I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
