you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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