I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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