Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
