I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
