All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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