But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
