what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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