I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
