i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
