um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
