yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
