No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
