Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
