Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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