Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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