margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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