Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
