if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
