New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
