dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
