Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
