When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
