I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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