His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
